Jiles: If you were a song, what would you be called?

Allison: 'Like A Virgin'.

Molly: 'I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt'!

Tootie: 'YMCA'!

Jiles: That's so stereotypical.

Tootie: And 'Like A Virgin' isn't?

Jiles: Fine. What is the worst pick-up line you ever heard?

Tootie: Did you eat Cambells soup today? Cause you look mm mm good!

Molly: Is that top felt? Would you like it to be?

Allison: No one's ever used such phrases on me.

Tootie: Did you just feel my butt?

Allison: NO!

Tootie: Why not? There, you've officially been picked-up on.

Jiles: THAT'S appropriate. (pause) Okay, uh, if you were a sign, what would you say?

Molly: Caution: Curves ahead!

Allison: No trespassing!

Jiles: Tootie?

Tootie: Easy, enter in rear.

Tonio: I come bearing gifts!

Molly: You come bearing the remains of poor sliced up baby cows!

Ella: Lovely.

Jiles: Jesus Christ....

Allison: What about him?

Jiles: Nevermind...

Allison: Shouldn't we pray first?

Jiles: Um, sure. Well....Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yay god.

Tootie: Um, this isn't a salad.

Tonio: Observant, aren't we?

Allison: Is this kosher?

Jiles: No, it's grilled.

Molly: Hey, wanna see me do a handstand while I sing the star-spangled banner?

Jiles: Why is that impressive?

Molly: I'm Canadian! (does a handstand and starts to sing it)

Tootie: But sweetie I asked you to get me a salad. I'm watching my weight.

Tonio: Why? I think you're perfect.

Tootie: Well did you ever stop to think for a second that maybe this wasn't about you? I mean, god forbid I do something to make myself happy!

Allison: God would never forbid that. He wants you to be happy.

Tonio: Shut-up!

Jiles: You do realize you just told the Virgin Mary to shut-up.

Tonio: What's she going to do? Smite me?

Allison: (hisses)

Tootie: Tonio, stop it!

(Molly stops)

Jiles: Why'd you stop?

Molly: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Tonio: You love their hamburgers, why don't you check that they remembered the onions.

Tootie: I don't really care, because I'm not gonna eat it.

Tonio: Just check.

Tootie: No, I don't want it!

Toinio: Fine, I'll eat it!

Tootie: I don't know what he's so worked up about. Molly, er, Pamela can I have some of your fries?

Molly: Of course, (puts it in her mouth) But you've got to get it yourself.

Tootie: No, thank you.

Molly: Come on, you know you want it. (stands on table)

Tootie: Yeah, ya know what, I'm just gonna take one from Mary.

Allison: (slaps him) No!

Tootie: What?!?!

Allison: I gave birth to the guy who died for your sins! Let me eat my French fries in piece!

Tootie: (mumbled) You'll be eating in pieces in a few seconds.

Jiles: Here, take mine. (passes fries to Tootie)

Molly: What? Are my French fries not good enough for you?

Tootie: Sorry honey, I don't swing that way.

Molly: Oh I think you do, you just need a little push. (gets right in his face on hands and knees)

Tootie: I think you need a little push off the table.

Molly: Oh, feisty! I like them that way! (swigs back the rest of her drink)

Allison: Should she really be allowed to drink this much?

Jiles: Well don't tell her, but it's apple cider.

Tootie: Here, eat meat! (stuffs hamburger in her mouth)

Molly: (spits it out) You did NOT just put meat in my mouth!

Tootie: I have a feeling it's NOT the first time.

Molly: I am a VEGAN! I don't eat meat! Look at this, this used to be a cow, a living, breathing cow. One that provided milk, ate cud and mooed. MOOED!

Tootie: Alright, Princess PETA settle down.

Molly: No! I will not sit back while you devour helpless animals!

Jiles: (turns to Ella) I'm really sorry about this, I'm sure this isn't what you had in mind.

Ella: No it's um, better. Dinner and a show, ya know?

Jiles: Yeah, right.

Molly: (Tootie is now eating hamburger) That's right enjoy it. Enjoy munching on the bloody guts of your fellow mammals! Just picture that poor little animal as it's dragged off to the slaughterhouse crying tiny little cow tears from its wide cow eyes. Crying for it's mommy. Moo-mmy! Moo-my! How does that- (Tootie takes a fork and pops one of her balloons, Molly is clearly distressed and runs offstage yelling) TOMMY!!!!

Ella: So Tonio, what exactly is it that you do?

Tonio: Make ugly broads look like their faces haven't caught on fire and then put out with a fork.

Ella: Oh, that's... interesting. What kind of clients do you usually get?

Tonio: Well they usually just want to look good for weddings, funerals, reunions, 'date night'. God, date night, could you get more pathetic?

Tootie: I think date night's a cute idea.

Tonio: Yeah, cause you're not the one who has to pay for it.

Tootie: Well at least the six-month anniversary gif I gave you didn't come out of a cereal box.

Tonio: Well I don't know what kind of cereal you're eating, but it sure as hell don't come with cologne in it.

Tootie: The point is that you put no thought in your gift!

Tonio: I'm sorry honey, I'm a little strapped for cash right now.

Tootie: What are you talking about? YOu made a bunch of money off that wedding you just did, and you fragrantly over-charged them!

Tonio: I know, I know...

Tootie: Then where's all that money going, huh? You don't have someone on the side, do you?

Tonio: No of course not.

Tootie: Well you don't like to gamble, or drink, or do drugs. So tell me, what's going on?

Tonio: I can't tell you, not now.

Tootie: If you're cheating on me, you need to tell me now.

Tonio: I could not be farther away from that!

Tootie: Is that why you bought me that cologne? Is that the kind your boyfriend wears?

Tonio: There's no boy!

Tootie: You're cheating on me with a woman?

Tonio: No one's cheating!

Tootie: Someone's lieing.

Molly: Ya know, I was the 'Tool Time Girl' once, but then I just said screw it. (laughs hysterically, snorting if possible)

Tonio: Tootie, do you honestly think that I'm lying to you right now? Do you think that I would dare cheat on you? That I would even want to?

Tootie: I don't know, it would sure explain a lot. The long hours, the lack of money, the gift...

Tonio: Alright, ya know what? I'm done with this. (pulls out 'burger' from bag, and takes out ring from buns) You se this? Yeah, it's a ring. An engagement ring! I was going to propose to you, but you apparently think that I"m just a lying cheating boyfriend, and I don't think that I can get behind a relationship like this. I spent al those hours working to get extra money to buy you that ring, and that's why the anniversary gift was kind of lame. But you've made your thoughts on my character pretty clear, and I'm just tired of this. I'm done! (puts ring in pocket and walks off)

Tootie: Tonio, wait! (follows him)

Tonio: No, I'm going to bed. (they walk off stage)

Allison: Well, this evening has been highly inappropriate, and I feel my presence here is no longer necessary. Good night.

Ella: So, they're quite lively.

Jiles: Yeah, try living them.

Ella: Well I'm sure it's exciting.

Jiles: Not as exciting as good ol' NY.

Ella: I don't know, I'm begining to tire of the minimum wage jobs, rude casting directors, long hours doing nothing but and dance and sing until you feel like you've been shot. I think it's time for me to stop accepting those ensemble roles, but the only problem is, that I won't be able to accept any roles.

Jiles: Why?

Ella: I'm just not what they're looking for usually. I'm either too blonde, too skinny, too fat, too soprano, too old, too 'green' too everything! I'm begining to think I'm just too ELLA!

Jiles: Now, that's not true. You're great.

Ella: But Jiles, so were you. I mean, don't you want to get back on stage?

Jiles: Well, ya, but it sounds like it's not so hot out there right now.

Ella: Sure on Broadway but off...that's a slightly different story.

Jiles: What do you mean?

Ella: Well, my friend has just written the most sublime show, good music, great dialogue, minimum dancing.

Jiles: I never was much of a dancer....

Ella: And he wants to open as soon as possible, but you see, there is just one problem.

Jiles: What?

Ella: We don't have a male lead yet.

Jiles: I see.

Ella: And well, I'm the female lead in it, so I would need someone I had great chemistry with and quite frankly, everyone who tried for the part were far too dull and stupid to be even associated with theater. I couldn't connect with anyone. But you Jiles, you would be perfect! Just think about it, we have a great connection, you miss theater, and I need a male lead! It's fate.

Jiles: Well first off, when did I say I missed theater?

Ella: Come on Jiles you must! I mean, you have to. It's your life.

Jiles: Was my life.

Allison: I really need your help, this male part is supposed to be someone I can fall in love with, and do you remember the reviews we used to get? Almost the whole article was a rave about our fabulous chemistry, and how totally believable we were in each and every show we acted alongside in.

Jiles: I know, there's still clippings hanging in the make-up room.

Allison: And I bet you still read them sometimes, because honestly, who doesn't like to be told they're fabulous?

Jiles: I do.

Ella: So truthfully, why don't you come?

Jiles: I don't know, I just don't feel right leaving.

Ella: What's holding you back? You don't have any family to keep you here, and friends? You'll make plenty of new ones in New York. I mean honestly, who doesn't like to be the cool hip actor's friend?

Jiles: They were never the kind of friends I wanted.

Ella: But you'll have me! And you know I can be a handful myself. Come on. There's never going to be a better oppurtunity for you than this.

Jiles: I believe you.

Ella: So you'll come?

Jiles: Ella, I'm really focused on my book, and I don't want to be distracted by anything else.

Ella: You don't think this place is distracting? Come on! And seriously, do you actually think your book will get anywhere? Jiles, who is going to take you serious? You're homeless. But if you got famous, you could get a great publisher, and could sell millions.

Jiles: I know what your saying is true, but it's just not what I want to do. This place inspires me more than it distracts, and do you think that Samuel Laghorne Clemens was famous before he wrote his book?

Ella: Pretty sure he's still not famous. I've never heard of him.

Jiles: His pen name is Mark Twain.

Ella: Oh.

Jiles: I really do appreciate the offer, and I do see what it's worth. I really am happy that you would think of me after all these years, but honestly. I just can't go.

Ella: What if I promised you the twice the salary of any person on Broadway.

Jiles: Well first off that's impossible, and secondly, nothing is going to change my answer.

Ella: No you're right, but what if I promised you a book deal?

Jiles: What do you mean?

Ella: I mean, my uncle owns a big publishing company, almost half the books he publishes end up on the best sellers list. And he loves his niece, and I'm certain that he'd have no problem if I called in a little favor. And Jiles you're so creative I'm sure it's totally spectacular.

Jiles: You don't even know what it's about.

Ella: Oh, right. Why don't you tell me?

Jiles: Well it's about....people.

Ella: People.

Jiles: Yeah, just people, how they deal with their problems and stuff.

Ella: Well there's got to be more to it than that.

Jiles: No, not really.

Ella: Why do I have a feeling you're lieing to me?

Jiles: You never did believe my acting.

Ella: No, but everyone else seemed to. Well, whatever it is I'm sure it's worth being read.

Jiles: I hope so.

Ella: Oh god, would ya look at the time.... I'm late for an appointment.

Jiles: Gee you didn't even clear your evening for me?

Ella: I did, but then right before I got here, my agent called and told me-

Jiles: Say no more.

Ella: I really am sorry.

Jiles: I know.

Ella: Thanks for dinner. (kisses his cheek) It was....fun. (starts to leave) I'll um, call you or something.