I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie.

So, being the tender age of 15, I am among the group known as 'teenage girls'. These are very delicate creatures with high heels and low self-esteem. We live off of sugar highs and shopping sprees, we make dumb decisions, and ones we don't realize are good until much later.

So is that all? Wow, thanks for the revalation, Molly. As if we didnt' know this already....

okay, wait there smart alleck, I'm not finished.

So, recently I have aquired a boyfriend. He is great. He is basically the kind of guy that, if I was to write down my perfect boyfriend, he would fit pretty much all catagories. He's sweet, romatic, incredibly nice, talented, really smart, loved by pretty much everyone, musically-inclined, a guitarist, in a band, tells me I'm beautiful, tells me he loves me, holds my hand, does little things that make me happy, takes care of me, hugs me, kisses me, understands me and thinks my quirks are cute. :]

So he's great. You get it. And he's my first boyfriend ever. And he's actually a catch. So how did a girl like me end up with him? Well it's probably not for the reasons that you think.

Last year I was really depressed, quiet, I gained weight, wore my hair down EVERY DAY to hide my scar, had very few friends, and wasn't really willing to give anyone a chance. I was kind of a mess. But after a while, I started to realize life wasn't a horrible thing, and came out of my shell....a little.

The point is, I have a scar on my cheek that isn't all that pretty, and I fit into a large at Abercrombie and Fitch, and yet, someone loves me. Someone fantastic. (and not fat or ugly!!!!)

So girls really need to realize that you don't have to aneroxic, flawless and wear all the right things. You just need to be happy, because a boy is not going to save you. And you can't love someone else, until you learn to love yourself.

I think I'm afraid of commitment.
Really afraid.
I don't know why this is. I've tried to analize it and it all comes back to two people. These two people are two girls who I trusted deeply and truly and who turned on me. Ever since then I've just been, different. not the same. And it's true in some ways it's for the best, but in other ways, it's been hell.
So ya. I don't even want to get married, because quite frankly, my parents don't make it look like much fun.
And I don't even know if I'm capable of loving someone.
I mean, I have a guy who's so amazing to me. But when I told someone I never wanted to get married, they basically told me that I probably won't want to until I meet someone I really love. Which made me wonder if I really loved him. If I really could love anyone.
I see marrige as a compramise. And I feel like I'm too much of a free spirit to be held down by anyone. I hate that I'm obligated to go to things, like tonight, when I'd much rather just stay home and sleep.
I'm bad at not being selfish. I've never had to really share before I guess.
I don't know. I'm akward.
Really akward.
Maybe I'm just incabale of loving another human being because I'm so in my own world.
And it's not like I have practice at this whole 'girlfriend thing'.
I mean, I don't think I'm a horrible one.
I mean, I give him plenty of space, and I try to be nice and interesting.
But I think in some ways he's too good for me.
God that sounds so depressing....but it's true.





Maybe I just need to calm down.
But I'm really scared about tonight.
Really scared.
I hope everything goes fine.
It better.


But I'm only one girl. I can only handle so much. I'm so stressed. gosh. really stressed.
oh gosh. I wish someone was online to talk to...
I really need to calm the heck down.

So Chamber Singer rehersal starts in a few hours.

I hate that opening question. No one EVER laughs at my joke.


no seriously, they never do.

at all.


not ever a chuckle.


a guaf.


nada.


nothing.


ooooh post secret.

hm, nothing too exciting. too relatable.
I guess I'm just searching for my own secret lying their on the page.
It has not surfaced yet.




but I believe one day that it will.

God I hate waking up early.

but I hate sleeping-in. It makes me feel so worthless and dumb.

God I hate that so many people wished him Happy Birthday.
He's never been really very nice to me at all.
He didn't even say hello to me at that audition.
I don't get it...

god I love nerdfighters. how you can leave a comment for ANYONE and EVERYONE is so very nice! It really is such a great online community.

God I'm worried about today.

I wonder if I'll get my present today... I kind of hope not.

oh, I really want to go listen to my new John Mayer Live cd.

god I wonder what he got me.....eep!

haha, I wonder if he chose something Rachel recomended. lol. I can't wait to see that girl!

Kitties....

But I'm still sad about Baby, but she lived so long. Sorry, he. I know. I know.


I did NOT spend this summer right. I should have been outside playing all summer.
I wasn't.
And I regret it.
So maybe I'll leave and go outside and read.
Get a tan?
Probably not.
But here's hoping?
WISH ME LUCK!!! XD