I think I'm afraid of commitment.
Really afraid.
I don't know why this is. I've tried to analize it and it all comes back to two people. These two people are two girls who I trusted deeply and truly and who turned on me. Ever since then I've just been, different. not the same. And it's true in some ways it's for the best, but in other ways, it's been hell.
So ya. I don't even want to get married, because quite frankly, my parents don't make it look like much fun.
And I don't even know if I'm capable of loving someone.
I mean, I have a guy who's so amazing to me. But when I told someone I never wanted to get married, they basically told me that I probably won't want to until I meet someone I really love. Which made me wonder if I really loved him. If I really could love anyone.
I see marrige as a compramise. And I feel like I'm too much of a free spirit to be held down by anyone. I hate that I'm obligated to go to things, like tonight, when I'd much rather just stay home and sleep.
I'm bad at not being selfish. I've never had to really share before I guess.
I don't know. I'm akward.
Really akward.
Maybe I'm just incabale of loving another human being because I'm so in my own world.
And it's not like I have practice at this whole 'girlfriend thing'.
I mean, I don't think I'm a horrible one.
I mean, I give him plenty of space, and I try to be nice and interesting.
But I think in some ways he's too good for me.
God that sounds so depressing....but it's true.





Maybe I just need to calm down.
But I'm really scared about tonight.
Really scared.
I hope everything goes fine.
It better.


But I'm only one girl. I can only handle so much. I'm so stressed. gosh. really stressed.
oh gosh. I wish someone was online to talk to...
I really need to calm the heck down.